Saturday, October 23, 2010


It's within all of us.  The desire to run when things get tough.  We just want to disappear and hope life is better because we ran.  But is it?  Does running make things better?  I'm not only talking about running physically, but running emotionally.

I don't know how you've found it, but in my experience, running never fixes anything.  Maybe temporarily, and for a little bit, but not long term.  There will always be something else to run from.  Hard situations, difficult people, emotional devastation, empty cribs, etc.  Our choosing not to deal with things, or "shoving them under the rug" IS, in a sense, running...

Yesterday the girl we had living with us ran.  Ran from frustrations, from people who loved her, from herself even, but most of all from GOD.  Yesterday was a very emotional day of me asking myself all kinds of "What if's".  What if we had done this or that, or if other people had done this or that...But the answer was clear...She would've found SOMETHING to run from.  Things got so scary to her and so she did the only thing she knew how to do...RUN. 

I know the stuff going through my head yesterday was all lies that the devil was filling my head with, but it was real to me.  That was one of T's frustrations...people telling her not to listen to the lies.  But to her they were very real.  I feel for her in a whole new way.  The lies ARE real to me.  Yes, I know they are lies...but that doesn't change the fact that they are in my mind.  Just like we were trying to help her...I hear my words echoing back to me..."Fill the spots those lies took with truth"  So that's what I'm doing...taking my own advice! : ) The truth that I did exactly what I needed to at the time, the truth that it is out of my control...only GOD can work in her life. 

That doesn't make it any easier that there is an empty guest room in my house.  I prayed for her as I packed her stuff into boxes.  Prayed that God would meet her and show himself to her in a whole new way.  We will miss her.  Yes, it had it's adjustments and challenges but it was also so rewarding to walk through this journey with her and be there for the good parts.  I think of all the progress she made and hope things keep replaying in her mind as she RUNS.

I think more than anything it has been such a picture of Christ's love for me and for us, his Creation.  Choice is a beautiful thing and yet so so scary.  It makes ME so, so sad to think of the choices she is making and to think of her running right back to the scary things she ran FROM, but how much more love her PARENTS have for her and even more so her heavenly FATHER.  How his daddy heart must be breaking right now to see her turn her back on HIM once again.  The beauty of choice is that HE will be waiting with his arms wide open when she gets tired of running.  Just simply waiting to erase all the choices she made and give her a clean slate. 

It makes me want to thank HIM all over again for HIS LOVE for ME.  It also makes me so thankful to be part of HIS family.  We have felt so many prayers over these past few weeks.  I honestly hate to think of how different today could've been for Brad and I if people hadn't been praying for us.  Today has been a much better day.  Yes, still things to work on, and lies to erase,  but GOD is here.

Monday, October 4, 2010


It's late...

It doesn't happen too often that I am up this late anymore.  Guess it's the age in me coming out!  The weekend is almost over and the week ahead looks long.  Wonder what all it holds?

I sit here listening to the sounds around me. 
     It's raining again
     My husband softly snores beside me....sometimes not so softly! : )
My fingers fly across the keys but I am using the backspace more than I should.  Writing a line....erasing it....wondering how much I want to put out there for all the world to see.  Blogging is an incredibly vulnerable thing for me.  It exposes all parts of us.  The silly, the bored, the tired, the social, the pained, the sad, the joyful...But I love to look back on things that happened and be able to see God's faithfulness in everything.

It happened again today.  The red flow that tells me my womb is empty.  I was so hoping it would be holding life this month.  Guess not.  Instead the week looks long...filled with constant reminders that I am not yet a mommy, and Brad is not yet a father.  Filled with the empty feeling that now is not God's time for our family to start.  Will it ever be time?  I refuse to give in to the fear that my womb may never house life for 9 months.  Refuse to give in to the fear that my arms will never hold my own child. 

Fear..I command you to leave and I choose to replace it with trust.  Trust that I serve a God who knows best for my life.  Trust that no matter what my future God is ALREADY there.

He was there 3 weeks ago when we chose to open our home to a young lady who was tired of running.  He's been there in the 3 weeks of adjustment and changes.  Huge changes.  Frustrating times.  Times of misunderstanding and yet seeing her choose to turn her life around has been so worth it.

Maybe it's best that she is here right now.  I can't really grieve.  You see, I have to be the strong one for her.  The one who is helping her to see that God loves her and has a plan for her, even though  my heart wants to doubt that he does for me.  Maybe it's best that I can't wear my emotions on my sleeve right now.  Instead I wait till the house is still and then I let my emotions go.

Raw, raw pain and fear.  My tears won't stop...

I sing on the worship team at church.  Sometimes it's the hardest thing to do especially when you feel empty and feel like you have nothing to give, and even harder when you don't "feel" like worshiping.  Music ministers to me more than anything else.  So instead of holding in the tears this morning, I finally left them fall....

"Blessed be your name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, Blessed be your name.  You give and take away, you give and take away.  My heart will choose to say...LORD blessed be your name."

"Precious Jesus, I am ready, to surrender every care.  Take my hand now, lead me closer, Lord I need to meet you there."

These songs aren't the easiest to sing when your mind is full of hurting people and the pain of loss in your own life.  Our pastor closed the service by asking everyone to raise clenched hands to the Lord.  Tightly clenched hands raised up all over the church.  Then he told us to open our hands to the Father when we were ready to surrender whatever we were holding onto to HIM.  I stood there with my hands tightly clenched before my GOD.  Holding onto frustrating situations with the girl living with us right now, holding onto the dream of having a baby when I knew the blood was flowing as we sang...And then I left it go....I opened my hands to my Father God and gave it to him.  I could physically feel the difference.  It felt freeing.....I stood there drained and vulnerable....

It still hurts.  I'm still scared.  But in spite of it all, I choose LIFE.  I choose to TRUST in a God whose plan is so So SO much bigger than my own.

Yes, I will cry.  Yes, I will mourn the life that's not there like we were hoping it would be.  But I will move on.